Thursday, 24 November 2011
I just realized the reason behind my mood for the past few days. Not because I had a tiff with Ter. But because of the word, FAT.
Even after losing a crazy 8kg, I wasn't slim. Back then, I was obsessed. I only had something like, one slice of wholemeal bread for breakfast, a handful of pasta with plain tomato sauce for lunch, and one guava for dinner. This was what I ate for one whole day. I even ate supplement pills that supposedly increase metabolism. Plus, cheer trainings every single day for 3-4 hours. Yet, I wasn't skinny.
After I stopped cheer, I stopped exercising. I went back to a slightly normal-er diet, eating three proper meals a day, but definitely of smaller portions than what I used to eat before my diet. And I was working at Icing Room, the whole standing-walking-ard-all-day was contributing to a little bit of exercise. I thought I would at least maintain my weight. But, I gained 4kg.
I am now working in Aviva. An office job. Sitting on my chair for 8 hours a day, getting up only for toilet breaks, lunch break and to the pantry to get drinks. It will be already past 7pm by the time I reach home then there's nothing much to do except for dinner, TV and preparation for the next day. Its a vicious cycle. And, I gained 5kg,
Bottom line is, I lost 8kg and gained 9kg.
It is basically like my diet never happened, plus 1 more kg.
Everyday I wake up feeling fat and heavy. I can feel it in my footsteps. I don't even want to look at my weighing scale anymore. I'd ponder over what to wear because nothing looks good on me. Nothing.
Working in the CBD; looking at all the skinny and good-looking people, wearing all nice clothes that I can only dream of wearing. I don't belong.
Everyday there will be someone who tells me that I'm fat. Do you think I didn't realize?! Are you really that insensitive and heartless? Did you realize that you just called a girl fat? Don't say "no offense" before offending someone. What's the point.
The fact that I've gained 9kg after stopping cheer, is suddenly hitting me hard, slapping me right in the face. I'd love to go back to my previous diet, eating only a piece of whatever per meal. I'd go running to burn away all my hateful fats. I'd love to be skinny.
If only I was skinnier, prettier and taller...
People would love me more.
Love, Simmy
12:47 pm.
12:47 pm.
